Time to Surrender

 
I want to share this story with you that I have read personally and heard from others for many years. It’s actually a story you may have read yourself or heard someone talk about a bit. It is about a maiden woman that was found to be more outwardly beautiful than any other amongst the time and within the territory in which she lived. Because of her beauty, she was chosen by a man to become his wife and his queen. She even had a purpose in the world to accomplish- a distinct reason for which she was born. The story tells of how she found favor with this man and at an agreed upon time they would be joined together to become one in a sacred ceremony. But, before this would take place, this woman had to endure a process. The process, I understand, was a necessary personal preparation to get her ready to be presented to the king and it lasted for a period of 12 months. Over time I have matured in my understanding and have read the story again and again, and I’ve found myself imagining what this process entailed. I learned through study and research that this intensive process was for purification, cleansing, healing, therapy, beautification, relaxation and to even become fragrant. I believe that this time of preparation would not only change her outward appearance to make her even more lovely, but it was to change whatever was going on inside her. It could have possibly been erasing some unseen baggage and wounds of her past. The purpose of the seven maids assigned to meeting her every need for this year were to make her more delicate, soft, gentle and sensuous; even sensitive to his needs. It was a process that was preserving her for the king. Eh-hem!

So, one particular morning I had this dream, but it was more like a vision while I was sleeping. (SN: For me, there is a difference.) In the vision, I saw this man! Let me describe him so that you can get an idea of what he was like. He was fine, courageous, chivalrous, strong, intelligent, a go-getter with a heart of gold. He was persistent, hard-working, admirable and virile. He was trustworthy, loyal and loving. He was insightful, fun to be with and very masculine. I felt safe with him. Everything in me trusted him. I adored him. I belonged to him. In my eyes, he was worthy of being praised, revered and respected! In my eyes, I guess you could say that he was fit to be a king. This was what I was able to see and learn about him. The vision, however short, was to show me him in a perfect state and created a sense of yearning. I knew in my heart that he was perfect for me!

So, lately there has been this resounding word that I have heard and it has given me life in ways that I could not have imagined. It has taken me several days to piece this all together mostly because of the way that it was downloaded to me. Oddly, it has been applicable to so many aspects of my life. So, bear with me please! The initial word I heard was “Surrender” and, then, it was accompanied by the word “Release.” First thing I usually do is bombard Dictionary.com for definitions. I consider myself to be a wordsmith because I always seek to understand words and their origin. This time I just searched the word via Google. Here is what I found: Surrender means “cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority” (source unknown). The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition is “to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed; to give the control or use of (something) to someone else.” On that note, I closed my tablet and proceeded with my day because the first definition stumped me.  Twice that same day, I received more, and it helped me to see both meanings as relevant. I want to wrap this all up nice and neatly with a bow so that maybe there will be something relevant for you to walk away with as you’re taking steps on your journey this week. As I mentioned last week, this is a time of preparation for me, and I believe that in order to prepare for anything “New/Great” there has to be submission for surrender and a release to occur. What was I needing to surrender? At this point of my journey, what must I release? I had no idea what I needed to release and why I needed to throw up my hands in surrender. But, I knew that this was not a mistake! I said a prayer and asked God to help me find my way, to show me the answer and with time spent just being patient and quiet, the answers came to me.

With all that was given, here’s where I landed.... In an early part of my journey I was molested by two different individuals at two impressionable stages of my life. At the time, I was still immature hoping to find answers to questions that were too difficult for me to comprehend. These occurrences had a hand in me becoming silent and losing my voice as I shared with you last week. I found myself wondering if these things would have occurred if I were in the care of my natural father (my protector)? Being separated from him so early impacted me tremendously. I was left confused, ashamed, in fear and hurt to my core. Yet, I still had so much to learn about life, about myself and the reason why I was born. Then, at the tender age of 15, I gave birth and became a mother. Retrospectively, I’m able to look back and see how I was thrust head first into a mode of survival, and I have lived in that same place since I was a young girl. In the last couple years of my journey, I have found myself on this path of preparation, inner healing and discovery of self in ways that I would not have ever imagined. I’d decided that I wanted to relocate from this place of survival to a place where I can thrive, live freely, love and receive the abundance of all the great things that I know were destined and designed for me. But, how was I supposed to travel from where I was to where I wanted to be? Surrender. Release. Forgiveness. Atonement. This is me wrapping it in a bow for you, pretty huh?!

These steps are providing me with an opportunity to be restored and redeemed. I’ve found myself letting go of past wounds so that I could receive inner healing- a healing that goes deeper than what I have ever known. This part of my journey has given me the ability to see my father in a better light than I did when I was younger. I have been able to forgive those who molested me. My personal experiences inside brokenness gave me the ability to look out and see that there may have been some brokenness within them. I am sure they didn’t mean to damage me or do me any harm. I’m sure they would have apologized if they were able to find the right words. Nonetheless, I have a better view of men and their rightful purpose in my life. I believe that we all make mistakes in life and at some point we stand in need of forgiveness. This brings me to the dream and why it was so relevant. I needed the way I viewed men to be restored. Since, I have opened my heart in so many ways so that I can freely receive again. For so long, it was closed tight like a fist, blocked from receiving and had a sign over it that read “Out of Order.” So, because I was willing to surrender to the process of preparation and release things that I have needed to for many years, I was finally able to forgive and find reconciliation. Now, I am a better friend. I am a better Counselor. I am a better student. I am a better confidant. I am a better daughter. I am a better sister. I am better more and more in so many ways. So, now that I have passed on this gift wrapped with a beautiful bow, what will you do with it? Are you willing to take some time to think about ways in which there may be some areas within you that have a sign with bold letters that read “Out of Order”? Are you open to surrender and release? Now would be a great time to do it! What do you have to lose? Make a list on your tablet or in your journal. One thing I found to be true is that your wound that you believe is invisible and private, may be very visible to others around you- especially the people closest to you. It may be that they are just being nice about it or are simply showing you compassion. It may be seen in that part of you that you only show to your spouse/significant other, your children, family, maybe even your coworkers. It may explain why you’ve only been able to get to a certain point in your relationships. It may be the reason that you have a hard time with trust or sometimes find yourself feeling insecure about things. It is holding you back from something big, something worthwhile. Whatever it is... whatever it is... know that we are in this together, to be better and to live better for the rest of our lives. Let’s be committed to getting better from the inside out. Take this with you... All is made possible when we make the sacrifice to Surrender!

I Have a Voice!

  

I am 40 years old, and I just learned to use my voice. Well, that sounds silly for someone at my age, but I received the courage to speak through transparency with a cohort of women who are extremely supportive. Today, as I was working in the comfort of my home, I felt a spirit of transparency come over me. My heart opened and I began to share with this group of women. I had no idea what would happen as a result of me having this need to open up and share my heart. By me having the courage to take a chance, something magnificent was sparked and it started something that was so unexpected, surprising and life-giving. So many others began to share from their hearts. I must say that it was a true blessing. I never saw it coming!

I remember believing that it seemed like everyone that I met throughout my life from men to women, alike, had a gift or a purpose- a reason for which they were born. They had something important to do in the world. Yet, I didn’t know exactly what that looked like for me. I didn’t have a clue! I’d been introduced to several glimpses of some possibilities, but nothing truly stood out. As a young girl, my interest in writing was awakened by my love for reading books, writing creative stories and poetry. Later on, I found an interest in psychology when I started taking college courses after high school at the local community college. Fast forward several years later, I became fond of teaching when I spent some time working as a Substitute Teacher at a high school during my undergrad years in Kalamazoo (2001-2002). The students loved me, and I loved them. I even received an invitation to prom from one of the students. I was tickled pink and flattered! I can even recall a position I held many years after leaving Kalamazoo as a Certified Trainer at a child welfare agency in the metro Detroit area. I loved the foster caregivers who opened their homes and their hearts to the children and families. Then in 2014, I lost a younger cousin who I would say was in the prime of his life. He was only 25 years old and as healthy as could be. He had a seizure and that was it! Suddenly, he was gone! His life ended just like that. I was devastated for so many reasons. It made me look so differently at life and time. I realized that life can truly be short, and time truly is precious and not to be wasted or taken for granted. After years of failed attempts and procrastination, I enrolled into graduate school to pursue a degree in Counseling after having this chat with God. Here I was finally going to do something that was on my list of goals to achieve. The timing could not have been more perfect! I had these three areas that I was passionate about, and I wanted to find a way to work them simultaneously and in tandem. I wanted to figure out a way to combine my love for writing, teaching and counseling/helping others on their life journey. I wanted to use these three areas in whatever way possible to help advance me in the direction of my purpose.

So, here I am having attended my formal graduation ceremonies a month ago, and I am months away from becoming licensed as a Counselor in the state of Michigan. My voice is still being shaped, and I am just learning to speak. So, in what feels like my final months of preparation, how do I want to use the discovery of my voice? What exactly do I want to do/say? In which direction should I go? At this point in my life, the world is literally my personal oyster. I could do just about anything. I could go just about anywhere in pursuit of my purpose and passion. Decisions, decisions.... Dear God, what’s next for me?

Well, it might be a good idea for me to share my beginning. At an early stage in my life, my voice was stolen from me. Yes, literally stolen. Unfortunately for me, I was simply not aware. It happened after my parents were divorced all those years ago when I was about four years old. I was rendered speechless. I had no control, no say so in the matter. But, my life met the ripple effect and changed drastically. My spirit was crushed. It was as if I lost my identity. In all the confusion, I lost me. I lost who I was. I lost who I was supposed to be. I lost my feelings of self-worth and even my sense of belonging. There I was, a little girl dealing with abandonment and rejection in silence. No one knew and neither did I. I never knew how to find my voice. I never knew the way back to courage. I became an expert at being silent. I became an expert at listening and not being heard. I watched life happen because I didn't know better. I made hundred of mistakes trying to find my voice throughout my life. Fast forward 36 years and here I am.... I’m just beginning to feel comfortable in knowing that I do have a voice! Now I know that my words are important, and my voice and my life matters! My journey through life experiences have been saved all of this time so that I could make it to a place where I could find healing and find courage to be transparent and speak LIFE! So as I speak LIFE, I will share my life story in hopes that you will see me and see, authentically, just how important you are and come to know how your LIFE MATTERS!!! Welcome....